[MUMBLING AND GRUNTING]
[GROWLS]
As soon as you feed, Senator, you won't need these anymore.
HoIy shit!
[GROWLING]
It's the attack of Grandpa Munster!
[FIRES]
Gross.
Damn it.
Sorry to ruin your party, Senator.
Don't worry, we'II have you out of here in two minutes.
-Thank you. ALAN [NEARBY]: Edgar! Aah!
AIan? AIan!
AIan!
[FIRES]
[SCREAMING]
AIan.
AIan. AIan, are you okay?
[GROWLS]
No. No, AIan, no. No, AIan!
AIan!
[CREEPY MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]
I am a vampire.
Oh, yeah? WeII, abracadabra. I'm an umpire.
VAMPIRE [ON TV]: Hocus pocus.
Mr. Frog?
Yeah?
Were you sIeeping?
I work nights.
-ApparentIy not hard enough. -Hmm.
You're in defauIt on your Ioans...
...and the bank is repossessing this property.
This wouId incIude any...
...structure currentIy on the property as weII.
[EDGAR SCOFFS]
-Are you serious? -You have one week to vacate.
Have a good day.
Fucking vampires.
[CAR STARTS]
[INDUSTRIAL MUSIC PLAYING]
FRANK: Cash or store credit? EDGAR: Cash.
Comes to 65 even.
Sixty-five doIIars?
Are you kidding me? I mean, this issue of Destroy AII Vampires number 125...
...in nearIy mint condition is worth 50 bucks aIone.
In near-mint condition.
I know near-mint condition and that ain't it.
What are you taIking about? I haven't even opened this book.
It's been boarded and bagged since the day I got it.
WeII, Iet's have a Iook.
There are stress marks at the stapIe points.
The, uh, cover has Iost at Ieast 15 percent of its gIoss...
...the pages are yeIIow...
...and there's significant rubbing and fading at the corners.
EDGAR: Hmm.
Now, if you were wiIIing to part with that Batman number 14...
...I, uh, might be abIe to do a IittIe bit better.
EDGAR: That's not gonna happen.
Happens to have some sentimentaI vaIue to it.
That's my offer, Frog.
Take it or Ieave it.
AII right, pay me.
Have a nice day.
EDGAR: I hate happy peopIe.
[DOOR OPENS]
-Hmm. -Hey, Edgar.
Did you make any money off of Frank?
Are you kidding? He gave me 65 bucks for everything.
Ugh. He's such a cheapskate.
Here, Iet me see.
Uh, not that one.
But there's stiII some good stuff in here.
You want me to put it up on eBay, see what I can get?
Uh, sure, why not.
Every IittIe bit heIps right now.
Where do I find the graphic noveIs?
You mean comic books.
No, I mean graphic noveIs.
I don't read comic books. I'm not a geek.
EDGAR: Hmm. -Oh, weII, I can't heIp you then.
Here at the Book O'Neer, geek is chic.
-Try Barnes & NobIe. JOHNNY: Whatever.
I guess you don't want me to spend any money here.
[JOHNNY SCOFFS]
That guy gets on my Iast nerve.
-You know him? -By reputation onIy.
His name is Jonny Trash.
He's a ceIebrity bIogger.
What the heII is he doing here in San Cazador?
-They're here for the X-Party. -The X-Party?
-What's that? -A rave.
And it's gonna be here?
If you beIieve the rumors.
But they're not teIIing anyone where it's gonna be untiI the night of the event.
Great.
Sounds Iike the finaI naiI in my coffin.
What--?
[SIGHS]
Bye.
Oh, shit!
[TRUCK SPUTTERS]
Who the heII parked--?
My truck.
You sure don't Iook Iike a coId-bIooded, meaner-than-heII, badass vampire kiIIer.
Excuse me?
You're Edgar Frog.
Sworn enemy to nightcrawIers and bIoodsuckers the worId over.
I'm sorry, Iady.
You must have me confused with somebody eIse.
I'm Gwen. Gwen Lieber.
-Hi. -And there is no confusion.
You are the same Edgar Frog that destroyed covens...
...in Santa CarIa, Luna Bay and in Washington, D.C.
I have no idea what you're taIking about.
Can we go inside to taIk?
You got two minutes.
It's my brother, Peter.
He's been kidnapped.
A coupIe of years ago, he started getting into troubIe.
He was hanging out with aII the wrong kind of peopIe.
EDGAR: Hmm.
And three weeks ago, he went to Ibiza to this rave party thing...
...and he disappeared.
[ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING]
GWEN: He started foIIowing around this guy, DJ X.
He throws these events caIIed X-Parties.
EDGAR: Yeah, I've heard of him.
Hi.
GWEN: The same peopIe that are throwing this party...
...are throwing simiIar parties aII over the worId.
And at these raves, they're handing out this new designer drug.
It's caIIed the Thirst.
-It comes in IittIe ampouIes Iike this one. EDGAR: Why wouId I care about...
...a bunch of drug addicts with gIow sticks?
Because the Thirst is not a drug.
It's vampire bIood.
[CHOKING]
Nobody has seen him since.
Edgar, they are using these raves to breed an army of vampires.
They're creating their own gIobaI pandemic.
They've aIready infected hundreds in Spain.
Done the same in ThaiIand, Rio and in Greece.
And now the rumors say that they're on their way here.
I'm not interested.
Look, I wouId obviousIy pay you for your troubIe.
And this couId weII be the Iast time that you wouId have to do something Iike this.
AII of my research suggests...
...that the Thirst is made from the bIood of the head vampire.
-The head vampire. -The bIoodsucking aIpha.
-The aIpha. -From the Greek, ''root''...
...meaning the first.
The originaI.
I knew that.
I'm stiII not interested.
And your two minutes are up.
I'm staying at the HoteI Cazador.
I truIy hope that you'II reconsider.
I know you couIdn't save your brother...
...but, Edgar, maybe you can heIp me save mine.
EDGAR: Hmph.
Go and check on our guest, wouId you?
[WHEEZING]
Hi, handsome. How are you feeIing?
Hmm. Poor IittIe thing.
Just try to reIax.
This wiII aII be over soon.
[CHUCKLES]
Why wouId anyone jump out of a perfectIy good airpIane?
Because it's so fucking fun!
You make sure our package arrives in one piece.
And send someone to take care of Frog.
JOHNNY: DJ X...
...the man behind the machine. I've been whoring the fuck out of your next party...
...on my website, and you can't even text me back?
You know how many media impressions that is a day?
Don't put your hands on me, man. I don't even know you.
That's our head of security, Kirk O'DaIe.
There...
...now you know him.
WeII, just wait a minute. If you don't give an interview right now...
...then I swear I'II make it my personaI mission in Iife...
...to make sure that no one goes to any more of your stupid parties ever.
WeII, we wouIdn't want that.
After aII...
...ever is a Iong time.
Step into my office.
[DOG BARKING NEARBY]
[TRUCK SPUTTERS]
[BLUES MUSIC PLAYING OVER RADIO]
I've got the bIues
I ain't got nothing but the bIues
Why did you go?
EDGAR: Ugh. Creepy.
Why did you go
And Ieave me here with the bIues?
You Ieft me sad and you Ieft me sore
You Ieft me with the Iowdown bIues
ALAN: HeIIo, Edgar.
What brings you aII the way down here?
Now I have to have an excuse to visit my own brother?
At 1 in the morning, yeah.
EDGAR: I figured you'd be up.
I've recentIy Iearned there's a nightcrawIer...
...who's created a new designer drug that he's handing out to kids at raves.
The onIy probIem is it's not a drug...
...it's vampire bIood.
He's breeding an undead army...
...and the onIy thing that stands between him...
...and the annihiIation...
...of the entire human race...
...potentiaIIy...
...wouId be us.
The Frog Brothers.
We haven't been the Frog Brothers for a Iong time.
EDGAR: I just....
-I can't do it without you. -What about Sam?
EDGAR: Sam's gone.
He turned, and, uh, I had to do what I had to do.
I guess that canceIs out MichaeI and Star.
Yeah. I'm pretty much persona non grata with the entire Emerson famiIy at this point.
-Laddie? -He's moved on.
He's got a wife, kids.
He's got a reaI Iife now.
-Yeah, weII, so do I. -You caII this a Iife?
-This from a guy who Iives in a traiIer. -Okay, so I've got nothing.
But at Ieast I know what side I'm on!
AIan, if this is the head vampire, then maybe we can kiII him.
If we kiII him, then we just gotta find the one above him...
-...and then on and on Iike that forever. -They are teIIing me that this is the aIpha.
The O.G. of aII bIoodsuckers, the head vampire.
It's a pyramid scheme, Edgar.
AIways has been.
What if this is it though?
What if this reaIIy is the head vampire?
Get this...
...and get it good, Edgar.
As far as I'm concerned...
...there's no such thing as vampires.
HoIa, Trashynistas. I'm sitting here with the one, the onIy...
...DJ X.
I'm sorry for those of you who have a shitty connection.
I guess you'II just have to take my word for when I teII you...
...the man's absoIuteIy scrumptious.
They'II just have to come and see me in person.
Yeah, weII, they'II just have to get in Iine. Ha, ha.
So, DJ X, why do you think the detached and the...
...you know, the disconnected youth of today have Iatched on so ferventIy...
...to your parties?
Because I create a pIace...
...where aII the Iost souIs of the worId can come together.
A pIace where they can do what they want...
...whenever they wanna do it.
Yeah, you heard it straight from the man himseIf...
...aII you Iost boys and girIs. This is gonna be the biggest rave of the century.
And we'II Iet you know where it's gonna be an hour before this event...
...so stay tuned to this website for the deets.
That was a great interview, X.
Thank you so much.
No, no, thank you...
...for getting the word out.
I wanna have as many peopIe at this event as possibIe.
It's my pIeasure.
And I mean that.
So anyhow, what do you guys have to drink in this jaIopy?
You.
[GROWLS]
EDGAR: Death to aII vampires.
Maximum body count.
We're awesome monster bashers.
-The meanest. -The baddest.
Edgar.
If I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna need weapons.
Lots of weapons.
Lots of reaIIy expensive, custom-made weapons.
WeII, of course. Come in.
EDGAR: Hmm.
GWEN: PIease have a seat.
So aren't you the Ieast bit curious on how I know so much about vampires?
EDGAR: Not reaIIy.
I know who you are.
You're Gwen Lieber. BestseIIing author of the Eternity Kiss series.
First of which is about to be made into a major motion picture...
...coming soon to a theater near you.
[GWEN CHUCKLES]
Oh, you've heard of me. I'm fIattered.
Don't be. Your books suck.
I'm sorry you feeI that way.
EDGAR: Doesn't reaIIy matter what I think.
You've got miIIions of emo-goth sheep aII over the worId...
...who eat up every Iast word of it, and keep coming back for more.
I'm sure you've made quite a nice Iiving off your supernaturaI bodice-rippers.
I'II have you know, I have gotten gIowing reviews from every major periodicaI.
Bought and paid for, I'm sure.
Just Iike me.
What is your probIem, Frog?
My probIem?
My probIem is you gIorify vampirism.
You make being a vampire Iook...
...sexy.
WeII...
...there has aIways been an eIement of eroticism in vampire mythoIogy.
There is nothing sexy about being a member of the undead.
WeII, perhaps I have made a serious mistake in coming to you.
If you came to me expecting me to ask for your autograph, then yes, you did.
But if you came to me expecting me to kiII a shitIoad of vampires...
...that I can do.
EDGAR: Don't Iike the stake...
...maybe it needs a IittIe garIic?
Here we go.
FreshIy served.
Shit.
[POWERS UP]
Eat that.
[LOONEY TUNES THEME PLAYING ON CELL PHONE]
-Frog. GWEN [ON PHONE]: Edgar, it's Gwen.
Can you come by my hoteI right away?
It's rather important.
AII right. I'II be right there.
[TRUCK SPUTTERS]
GWEN: HeIIo, Edgar.
So, what's so important you need me to come down here right away?
WeII, I thought you shouId meet your new partner.
When you turned me down, I was desperate, so I hired someone eIse...
...and I'd reaIIy feeI bad making him come aII the way from HoIIywood for nothing.
HoIIywood?
I don't Iike the sound of it. Who is this?
Lars Von Goetz?
[EDGAR GROANS]
GWEN: Lars, this is--
Oh, yeah. The Toad.
Frog.
-Edgar Frog. -That's what I said.
Yeah.
I'm Lars Von Goetz.
But you aIready knew that.
And this is CIaus, my camera operator.
So Iet's go kick the shit out of some IittIe rave punks, huh?
But first, I gotta eat.
I got the metaboIism of a 12-year-oId boy.
Can I speak with you for a minute?
Right.
Never fear, Lars Von Goetz is here.
As Iong as the check cIears.
Lars Von Goetz?
You hired Lars Von Goetz?
-I thought you'd be happy. -Happy?
First you expect me to kiII a head vampire...
...then you expect me to babysit some reaIity show reject?
You're not going to have to babysit him.
Haven't you seen his show?
The man's wrestIed a grizzIy bear, a Iion and an aIIigator.
He's amazing.
That was staged.
AII reaIity shows are staged, okay?
Von Goetz, whatever his name is, he's a fraud.
Vampires are, Iike, 10 times stronger than grizzIy bears.
-WeII, I think he can take care of himseIf. -We'II see about that.
WOMAN 1 : That creepy guy's Iooking at me.
WOMAN 2: Oh, gross. EDGAR: Here's the deaI.
If I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna need weapons.
Right. You said that.
I'II go see my guy tomorrow.
-You don't want me to come with you? -No.
He's a IittIe twitchy about new faces.
Listen, buddy, if you're Iooking for the diet frozen-yogurt bar...
...it went out of business Iast summer.
ActuaIIy, I'm Iooking for a Batman number 14.
That's a very serious book, man.
OnIy five in existence.
Four, actuaIIy.
I'm aIways Iooking out for the other three.
[SIGHS]
ALAN: Edgar, since I know...
...I'II never be abIe to taIk you out of what you're about to do...
...I can't Iet you go up against a potentiaI head vampire without giving you this.
One of the first books on vampire hunting ever written.
It'II hopefuIIy keep you safe. Watch your back. AIan.
P.S. If you're stiII aIive on Tuesday, be sure to caII Mom.
It's her birthday.
[CELL PHONE DIALING]
ZOE [ON PHONE]: Book O'Neer. -Hey, Zoe.
I need your heIp with something.
-It's important. ZOE: Sure.
I'II be waiting.
ZOE: Wow, so the Gwen Lieber hired you to find her kidnapped brother?
EDGAR: Yeah, and I think this book might heIp me figure out...
...where they've taken him to.
I need you to scour it for any cIues, anything you can find.
ZOE: I don't see how this oId book is gonna heIp you find anyone, but I'II give it a try.
Do me a favor.
If you happen to run across anything in here...
...that taIks about human sacrifice or anything Iike that, make note of it.
AII right.
CooI.
Uh, do you wanna teII me why?
Not reaIIy.
CouId put your Iife in danger.
Okay.
[ENGINE STARTS]
Oh, my gosh.
[BREAKING]
[GROWLING]
HOODIE: Where's Frog?
Back off, fucko!
Or what? You gonna mace me?
[HOODIE CHUCKLES]
[GASPING]
[ZOE COUGHS]
Somebody needed a Iight?
Frog.
UgIy.
[GROWLS]
You're dead.
Suck on this.
EDGAR: Watch out!
Nice.
Mace?
HoIy water.
I feeI Iike pancakes.
COOK: Order up.
ZOE: I found a whoIe section of young maIe vampire sacrifices.
And Iook, there's a BIood Moon.
They caII it that because the moon's face is deep red or crimson hue.
EDGAR: So they're gonna make a sacrifice under the BIood Moon.
ZOE: ExactIy.
This Friday is a BIood Moon.
So they're gonna sacrifice Peter at the rave.
-WeII, Edgar, you can't Iet that happen. -AII right, if I'm gonna do this...
...I need to find out where the rave is and I need to find out fast.
WeII, technicaIIy, raves are iIIegaI...
...so the promoters aren't gonna say where it is untiI the Iast minute.
You said that the rumor is that it was gonna be here in San Cazador.
Even if it is here, San Cazador is a big pIace.
If we're gonna find out where that nest is...
...we need to Iearn how to think Iike a vampire.
BIoodsuckers have a tendency to Iook for a pIace...
...that's got a history of suffering and death.
You know of a pIace Iike that here?
There's an oId sIaughterhouse on San Cazador IsIand.
SIaughterhouse?
Perfect.
Nothing vampires Iove more than bIood and carnage.
If there's a sIaughterhouse on that isIand, that's where they'II be.
Let me go.
-I promise, I-- -Uh-uh-uh.
Let's not make any promises we can't keep.
You just Iie here Iike a good piece of veaI...
...and maybe I'II bring you a nice gIass of warm miIk.
[YELLS]
Hmm.
ZOE: So where are we going?
EDGAR: My friend Iikes his privacy.
The name's BIake.
Used to be a congressman before he Iearned the truth.
ZOE: What's up with aII the razor wire?
[TRUCK SPUTTERS]
[KNOCKS]
Yo, BIake. Open up.
It's Edgar.
[ZOE SCREAMS]
Whew. Edgar.
-How's it hanging? -What's up, BIake?
HoIy-water grenade.
-Nice touch. -Yeah.
-Needs a IittIe work, though. -Yeah.
Who the heII's this?
Oh, this is Zoe.
She's cooI.
Yeah, I'II be the judge of that.
Touch the cross. Do it now.
[GASPS]
Zoe, manners.
-Nice to meet you. -BIake.
What's with the bike?
Oh, that's a beauty. I've been working on her for a fuII year.
Renovations, the Iot. She's gonna be a reaI kiIIer.
Yeah. UnfortunateIy, wouIdn't do us much good on this mission.
What eIse you got?
WeIcome to the Iair.
What happened to this thing?
Looks Iike something bIew up in the barreI.
You shouId see the vampire I was pointing it at.
Let's just say the gun came out on the winning side.
Nice new stuff, BIake.
I Iike it.
You Iooking for something to repIace your OId ReIiabIe?
Never.
Ah, you say that now.
Feast your eyes on this.
An oId Russki RG-6 grenade Iauncher.
Whoa.
Heavy.
Fires 40 mm fragmentation grenades.
Not this one.
This one fires these.
What is it? HoIy water?
Mixed with a IittIe garIic.
Just for giggIes.
-I'II take it. -I thought you might.
-Here you go. -Thanks.
ZOE: What's this?
Hey, put that down, pIease.
Very carefuIIy, okay?
That is a prototype resin grenade.
I stoIe it from a miIitary testing faciIity at Groom Lake.
[BEEPING]
EDGAR: What does it do? -Oh, shit.
ZOE & EDGAR: CooI.
Yeah, cooI.
I wiII take that other resin grenade, though.
Gotta hand it to the grays...
...they sure are good at making weapons.
WeII, it's a pIeasure doing business with you, Edgar, as aIways.
Mm.
Say, you guys wanna stay for dinner? I got beans.
Yeah, you do.
[HOWLING]
What the heII are these?
Those?
-Those are, uh-- -A reminder.
[GROWLING NEARBY]
[GROWLING]
Vampires.
They must have tracked us here.
[SCREAMING]
ZOE: What did you do to them? -High-powered UV Iamps.
Edgar, aII the weapons are in the car.
I guess we're gonna have to improvise.
[THUD]
[FOOTSTEPS]
They've taken out the UV Iights.
Hi, sweetheart, aren't you gonna invite me in?
No. You're not invited.
[SCREAMS]
ZOE: Wait. Where are you going?
HoIy shit, we gotta get out of here.
They'II kiII us if we go outside.
I'd rather be bit than burned. Come on, Iet's go!
-Hi there. -Guys, get down!
[YELLING]
[ZOE SHRIEKS]
Say heIIo to OId PainIess.
Now, that's what I caII a stakeout.
It's cooI, right?
Yeah, it shouId be. It's my design.
[TRUCK SPUTTERS]
If aII of these freaks go to the isIand and take the Thirst at the rave...
...we're gonna have a fuII-on vampire invasion on our hands.
GIRL: Okay, man, you got the gIow sticks?
Let's roII.
LARS: Oh, yeah.
Oh, yes.
Hey. You didn't teII me...
-...Lars Von Goetz was gonna be here. LARS: Yeah.
-I was kind of hoping he wasn't. LARS: Oh, yeah.
ZOE: That guy is a totaI animaI. LARS: Yes, baby.
ZOE: You see the episode where he wrestIed the grizzIy bear?
-Missed it. LARS: Oh, yeah.
Toad.
[CHUCKLES]
EDGAR: Hmm.
So, hmm, who's your friend?
Hi. I'm Zoe.
LARS: Zoe.
TeII me, Zoe, is it just me...
...or is there some serious chemistry between us?
That's just you.
Okay.
GWEN: Edgar.
I hope you brought your bathing suit.
I thought we shouId bIend in with the other partygoers.
EDGAR: Covert infiItration.
It's a good idea.
Hi, I'm Gwen.
Yeah, I know. I've soId, Iike, a baziIIion of your books.
-I'm Zoe. -Right.
You work in a bookstore?
Part-time.
And Edgar thinks that you're quaIified for this mission?
Just how many bIoodsuckers have you kiIIed, Miss Lieber?
-None. -More quaIified than you.
WeII, this is Edgar's show, and I trust him.
ZOE: Did I mention I hated her books?
So do I.
[CHATTERING AND CHEERING]
GIRL: Rave!
EDGAR: AII right, everybody. According to the bIueprints...
...there's an entrance to the sIaughterhouse through a series of underground tunneIs...
...which wiII Iead us directIy to where the rave is.
Now, remember, everyone, there wiII be a Iot of civiIians around.
Toadies, not famiIiars.
Just innocent partygoers who are aII there because they think they're gonna have...
...fun.
Because of this, you wiII be armed...
...with weapons that are non-IethaI to anything with a heartbeat.
This is a sawed-off, pump action, Soak and Destroy water gun.
[SQUEAKS]
Patent pending.
Turns hoIy water...
...into hoIy sIaughter.
Zoe, you take it.
CIaus...
...it's a high-powered UV torch.
Tie it around your waist. You'II thank me Iater.
Edgar, what about me?
You're staying here.
The heII I am!
This is my brother we are taIking about.
I understand that...
...but this is not one of your books, Gwen.
Everybody on this mission is a trained veteran.
You couId be kiIIed, or worse...
-...you couId be turned into one of them. LARS: Okay, time out.
Listen, Gwen, I totaIIy buy into your IittIe vampire goth games...
...that's what you're paying me to do, but I'm caIIing buIIshit.
If Gwen wants to go, she can go.
Not as Iong as I'm in charge of this mission.
GWEN: It's aII right, Lars.
Listen to him. Edgar knows what he's taIking about.
He's an experienced vampire hunter.
Wrong. I'm sorry to be the one to break this to you...
...but there are no experienced vampire hunters...
...because there are no vampires. They do not exist.
EDGAR: Hmm.
Zoe, take these stakes, strap them to your Ieg.
And why does she get stakes?
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were Mr. Tough Guy...
...who wrestIed a 6-foot aIIigator with your bare hands. You don't need weapons.
No, it was 10-foot.
-And I stiII want stakes. -Fine.
There's some stakes.
Why are hers metaI?
You get what you get.
Let's go.
Edgar, wait.
Bring him back safe.
I'II do my best.
Move out.
LARS: Hey, Toad.
CouIdn't we come back at night? It wouId Iook so much better on camera.
EDGAR: No. Vampires feed at night...
...and I don't pIan on sticking around for dinner.
[MOANING]
[DOOR SLAMS]
Is this the VIP room?
Oh, most definiteIy.
-When's the party supposed to start? -Not for a whiIe.
You guys got here earIy.
Oh, are those promise rings?
-So cute. YOUNG MAN: Is that bIood on your face?
[GIRL SCREAMING]
[GROWLS]
Oh! I think I just broke my coccyx.
LARS: Forget the coccyx, is the camera okay?
EDGAR: Radio check. ZOE: Check.
LARS: Check. CLAUS: Check.
AII right. Once inside, our main objective is to extract Peter.
KiIIing vampires is our second priority.
AII right, everybody...
...Iet's rock 'n' roII.
Heads up.
ZOE: Hey, did you name your new gun yet?
EDGAR: Shh.
What?
[WHISPERS] Did you name your new gun yet?
What are you taIking about?
ZOE: AII guns need a name.
Like boats.
Boats are for saiIors...
...guns are for soIdiers.
I'm no saiIor.
-Lars. LARS: What?
I'm getting a reaIIy bad feeIing about this.
Ugh. What, you mean being deep within the earth beneath a thousand tons of rock?
[CHUCKLES]
Are you feeIing ''CIaus-trophobic''?
Get it? ''CIaus-trophobic''?
That's not funny. I'm serious, man, Iook around you.
This shit's freaking me out.
[ZOE SHRIEKS]
Jeepers.
[CHATTERING]
AII right, here's the deaI.
We're gonna go to the Ieft, you guys go to the right.
Zoe, you're with me.
Lars and CIaus, do whatever it is you do.
We'II reconvene back on the beach...
...maybe.
CLAUS: You know, I kind of hate the fact we spIit up.
PeopIe in horror movies aIways spIit up and they aIways get kiIIed.
There's nothing to worry about, CIaus. Don't you get it?
This is aII some stupid roIe-pIaying game.
AII we're gonna find is some IittIe emo goth kids with fake fangs and contact Ienses.
You think this is a game?
Of course I think it's a game. Why eIse wouId the Toad give me a water pistoI?
Besides, my fans are tired of seeing me tackIe every naturaI predator on the pIanet.
Now, we need to give them something new to watch.
But if you're right...
...you're gonna be beating up a bunch of kids with fake fangs and contact Ienses.
I know.
Isn't it great?
[CHUCKLES]
This is the entrance to the sIaughterhouse.
Time for Mr. Frog's wiId ride.
Ow.
CIaus, we gotta find a pIace to do my intro.
Oh, yeah.
This is perfect.
Okay.
Using my tracking abiIity, we've Iocated the nest of the vampires...
...deep within this abandoned sIaughterhouse.
It's aIso haunted...
...by cannibaI pirates.
It's buiIt on an ancient Indian buriaI ground...
...where they used to burn witches.
Oh.
A promise ring.
EDGAR: Virgins.
Vampire fiIet mignon.
Ugh. What kind of fucked up shit is this?
Are you Peter?
PIease, heIp me.
Dude. Turn around, Iet's go.
-What? -It's too earIy to find him.
We gotta find him at the end of the episode.
I haven't even had the chance to put the beat-down on any goths yet.
-But he's right here. -Dude, turn around.
Sorry, Peter. Let's go.
What the fuck?
Where are you bastards going?
Something smeIIs reaIIy bad in here.
It's a sIaughterhouse.
I don't mean the typicaI bad sIaughterhouse dead meat smeII...
-...I mean I smeII something-- ZOE: It smeIIs Iike rotting garbage.
Trash.
Yeah, Iike I said. Rotting garbage.
No.
I mean Jonny Trash.
Jeez Louise.
Jeez Louise? ReaIIy?
[SCREAMS]
Zoe, get down!
[EDGAR YELLS]
[CLICKING]
CLAUS: You hear that? LARS: What?
I think it's coming from down there.
What are you doing?
Lars.
Dude, where's my gear?
CLAUS: You Ieft it up--
Oh, shit.
What?
Oh, okay.
Is this it?
I've been waiting 300 years for a good fight.
[GRUNTING]
[GROANING]
LARS: Have you had enough, punk?
[GROWLS]
[YELLS]
Nice outfit.
That's funny...
...that's exactIy what I was thinking.
But I stiII have to kiII you.
I'm surprised.
By what?
LILY: You're reaIIy not that good.
-Aah! ZOE: Edgar!
EDGAR: Zoe. I got this.
Ah, shit! Damn buIIets!
See, now that's what happens when you don't name your gun.
Just puII out the sword!
-On three. -Okay.
Three.
[YELLS]
What happened to one and two?
Edgar? Edgar? Oh, God.
Lars, what's your 20?
-It's not Lars, it's CIaus. -CIaus, where's Lars?
CLAUS: He's dead.
Lars is dead.
We're so compIeteIy and totaIIy fucked.
CIaus, caIm down. Just breathe.
We have to get Edgar out of here before reinforcements arrive.
-Oh, my God. Zoe, what happened? ZOE: Just heIp us Iay him down.
CIaus, first-aid kit.
[EDGAR GROANING]
Hang in there. Everything's gonna be fine.
HoId this.
Edgar, stay with me.
ALAN: Notice anything unusuaI about Santa CarIa yet?
No, it's a pretty cooI pIace...
...if you're a Martian.
Or a vampire.
Are you guys sniffing oId newsprint or something?
You think you know what's happening around here, don't you?
WeII, I'II teII you something. You don't know shit, buddy.
Yeah. You think we just work in a comic-book store for our foIks, huh?
ActuaIIy, I thought it was a bakery.
This is just our cover.
We're dedicated to a higher purpose.
We're fighters for truth...
...justice...
...and the American way.
ZOE: Edgar.
-Edgar. -What?
-What happened to me? -You're okay.
Did we get him? Did we get Peter?
CIaus found him, but they ran into some troubIe.
They had him tied to some twisted tabIe kind of thing...
...pumping him fuII of drugs, trying to keep him sedated.
Where's your boss? Von Geek?
Some big-ass, massive juggernaut of a vampire got him.
Tore his heart right out of his chest.
Got it on tape, though.
I'd Iike to see that when you get a chance.
-He'd Iike that. -Thanks.
Gwen...
...it's gonna be okay.
We'II get him.
It's not over yet.
[EDGAR SPEAKS IN LATIN]
Payback's a bitch.
Damn straight. Let's go.
[CHATTERING AND CHEERING]
GIRL: Rave! Rave!
It's starting.
AII right, come on.
GIRL: Hey!
[ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Hey, there.
Do you wanna party?
LILY [OVER SPEAKER]: And now, the man you've been waiting for, DJ X!
DJ X: Are you ready for a sacrifice?
RAVERS: BIood, bIood, bIood!
HoId up.
GWEN: Oh, my God. There he is.
[RAVERS GROWLING]
If they get through that fence, we're so undeniabIy fucked.
The sooner we take out X, the sooner that won't be a probIem.
GWEN: Okay, but what about Peter?
AII right, Iisten up, everyone. I want you aII to hoId back.
I've onIy got one shot at this.
I'm gonna immobiIize X and then we go in for the kiII.
Everybody, stay put. Got it?
-Got it. -Good.
Put on something nasty, X.
I think I found someone I wanna dance with.
[YELLS]
He dropped it. I'm going in.
Zoe, wait.
Get in here and heIp me. Come on.
That is exactIy how I'm going to break your neck.
VinyI stiII shreds.
[HISSES]
Very creative, Frog.
But when it comes to kiIIing...
...I prefer more traditionaI methods...
...Iike impaIement.
[GRUNTING]
[EDGAR YELLS]
[RAVERS GROWLING AND LAUGHING]
CIaus, cover us!
CLAUS: Shit. Shit.
[RAVERS YELLING]
You fought admirabIy.
But you were doomed to faiI from the start.
I've fought beside great warriors...
...Iearned battIe techniques...
...that can onIy be mastered over severaI Iifetimes.
[HISSES]
And do you know what the first ruIe of combat is?
Yeah, don't monoIogue.
There's a Iot of vampires down here.
Guys, I can't hoId them off forever.
Fuck me. Fuck me!
ZOE: Edgar!
EDGAR: Nice work. I've got it.
[YELLS]
[PANTING]
You're right. ImpaIement is good.
EspeciaIIy when you pierce the heart.
[YELLS]
[MOANING]
GWEN: Peter.
AII right, everybody, Iisten up. The party's officiaIIy over.
You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.
[PETER GROANS AND COUGHS]
Peter, can you hear me?
-Eew. -Buckets of eew.
Edgar, something's wrong.
Yeah, I'd say.
No, I mean we kiIIed DJ X, but I don't feeI any different.
Something's wrong.
They're stiII vampires. Nothing's changed.
ZOE: Edgar...
...this smeIIs Iike garIic.
GarIic?
Let me see.
You're right, it-- They were keeping him weak.
You're the aIpha.
Oh, I bet you did not see that coming.
PETER: Thanks to you.
If X had been abIe to drink my bIood during the BIood Moon...
...my power wouId have passed to him...
...and that wouId have been a shame.
I've been the aIpha for a Iong, Iong time.
[GROWLING]
You'II never grow oId, you'II never die...
...but you must feed.
I brought you Edgar Frog, just Iike you asked.
Now it is your turn.
Remember your promise to me.
I just don't wanna grow oId. Sorry.
PETER: Oh...
...you won't.
[GWEN GASPING AND COUGHING]
They're aII yours!
EDGAR: AIan, wait!
[LIGHT BEEPING]
No, no, no, this is not a good time for the batteries to die.
CIaus, I need you to get Zoe to safety.
Edgar, I'm not Ieaving without you.
If we don't kiII Peter right now...
...there's gonna be a thousand emo-goth vampires out there.
I need you to warn the worId.
EspeciaIIy in case I don't survive.
That's not an option.
I'II be waiting.
Just go.
Come on.
CIaus.
[ALAN YELLS]
[GROANING]
I'm disappointed in you, Edgar.
This is no way to treat your savior.
Savior? You got a funny way of Iooking at things, kid.
PETER: I saved you from a Iife of IoneIiness.
You didn't want to end up Iike Robert NeviIIe, did you? Ha, ha.
EDGAR: Robert who? -You reaIIy shouId read more books, Edgar.
The ones without pictures and word baIIoons.
Robert NeviIIe, the protagonist in I Am Legend.
Last man on Earth in a worId fuII of vampires.
Is that reaIIy what you want to become?
I'm not thirsty. You'II have to kiII me first.
[GRUNTING]
I wiII, if necessary.
But that wouId be a shame...
...especiaIIy since I owe you a debt for kiIIing X.
Why didn't you just kiII him yourseIf?
A father can't murder his own chiIdren.
That wouId be in bad taste.
Even an impertinent IittIe shit Iike DJ X.
I toId him you can't turn aII the cattIe into cowboys...
...you'II wind up with too many cowboys.
But he didn't Iisten.
And now, thanks to his damned raves...
...there are going to be far too many vampires roaming the Earth.
That's where you come in.
Keep the popuIation down to a manageabIe size.
PIenty of bIood to drink.
Everybody's happy.
PETER: PreciseIy.
Which is why I want you to keep on doing what you're aIready so very good at.
Hunting and kiIIing vampires.
So you want me to be your own personaI hemo-sucking hit man, is that it?
PETER: CrudeIy worded...
...but yes, that's the generaI idea.
And what makes you think...
...that I won't just kiII you myseIf?
Nothing.
Except that you have no reaI reason.
Think about it, Edgar.
Your brother's aIready one of us.
Everyone you care about is either dead or pIaying for my team.
What do you say?
I say...
...why don't you go suck yourseIf?
AIan, kiII your brother. You'II feeI better.
AIan, no.
Don't do this.
You're my brother.
You're a Frog Brother.
Don't make me hurt you.
I toId you not to make me hurt you.
Last chance, Edgar.
[EDGAR YELLS]
PETER: What the fuck?
[CHUCKLES]
[SPEAKS IN LATIN]
Fuck you!
You okay?
Yeah.
Fang check.
BOTH: Hmm.
Death to aII vampires?
Maximum body count.
We are awesome monster bashers.
-The meanest. -The baddest.
[BOTH GRUNT AND YELL]
That's enough of that.
Hey. I thought you went to the beach with your brother?
I did, actuaIIy, but, uh, he wanted to stay out there Ionger.
He stays out much Ionger, he's gonna turn into a human piece of beef jerky.
[CHUCKLES]
I guess he's making up for Iost time.
EDGAR: Yeah. -Oh, guess what.
I soId your copy of Destroy AII Vampires number 125...
...for 500 bucks.
-Yeah? -Yeah.
That's great.
That shouId keep the bank off my butt for a whiIe.
Now, Zoe, there's something I need to ask you.
How did you know vampires are reaI?
ZOE: Just a hunch.
What are you reading?
Oh, I'm actuaIIy scanning the book into my KindIe.
I decided, you know...
...I might as weII educate myseIf about aII the possibiIities of the dark underworId.
For exampIe, did you know that Iycanthrope...
...or femaIe werewoIves, she-woIves...
...actuaIIy can change anytime they want to?
They don't have to do it under a fuII moon. That's a myth.
They can turn anytime they want to.
They have compIete controI. They can do it in the middIe of the day.
Now, that's an interesting theory.
[ENGLISH - US - SDH]